Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up