jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great