netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw