Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
She: I like Cats
He:
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage