Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]