@pleatedjeans

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

@pleatedjeans

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

@pleatedjeans

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

@pleatedjeans

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

@pleatedjeans

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@pleatedjeans

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

@pleatedjeans

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]