@pleatedjeans When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
@pleatedjeans @pleatedjeans Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
@pleatedjeans Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
@pleatedjeans [driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
@pleatedjeans [playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
@pleatedjeans My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
@pleatedjeans “No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
@pleatedjeans [1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
@pleatedjeans [sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
@pleatedjeans Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]