@pleatedjeans
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
@pleatedjeans
@pleatedjeans
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
@pleatedjeans
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
@pleatedjeans
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
@pleatedjeans
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
@pleatedjeans
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
@pleatedjeans
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
@pleatedjeans
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
@pleatedjeans
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
@pleatedjeans
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]