A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN