Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*