people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it