It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Alexa: *deep breath*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.