Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.