Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
There’s never enough good news
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX