when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
checking out some reviews of my local library
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice