Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.