Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.