I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.