Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.