I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners