My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
termite twitter scares me
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment