commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time