If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it