Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one