Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Leaving the Barbers like
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.