What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
i’m sure it’s fine
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”