*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list