I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling