If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.