If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
What flavor cupcake are these
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect