I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body