Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT