Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.