date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[new coffee shop]
b: order for Prune!
m: Pru. P-R-U
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.