You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.