I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it