[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
May have had one breakfast too many
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Can Happiness buy money?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident