The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Effort made
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war