Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
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“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.