Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Think I pulled my liver
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.