Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓