Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
What?!?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)