Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
You Might Also Like
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
first you must answer his riddles
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.