“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by