*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word