ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake