@rachelle_mandik

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

@rachelle_mandik

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

@rachelle_mandik

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

@rachelle_mandik

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

@rachelle_mandik

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

@rachelle_mandik

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

@rachelle_mandik

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”