i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
you stereotypes are all alike
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all