Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*puts words between two asterisks*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”