Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
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inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
multitasking lunch
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.