@rad_milk

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

@rad_milk

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

@rad_milk

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

@rad_milk

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

@rad_milk

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

@rad_milk

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet