break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants