@rad_milk

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

@rad_milk

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

@rad_milk

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

@rad_milk

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

@rad_milk

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

@rad_milk

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

@rad_milk

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

@rad_milk

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces