whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I don’t make the rules sorry
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again