Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
